I haven’t written anything in a while. I haven’t felt the need to vent on here anonymously… Until this moment.
Life has been confusing for me. I’m always uncertain of the decisions I’m making and I never know which path to take to help me get closer to happiness. I’ve been so selfish lately. Just doing anything I can to get out of my house just so I can be away from my family.
The boy that broke my heart a year ago returned to me in January and asked if we could give it another shot. I said yes. We’ve been together for almost three months. We’ve had good times and bad times but we’re making it work.
When I think about last year, when my heart was broken, I realize now that the pain I felt then… Was nothing. You see… Tonight my dad took me outside and said “I need to tell someone before I explode.” I couldn’t even begin to imagine what he was going to do next. He leaned up against the car and began crying. I’ve only seen my dad cry once. I began to tear up but I still had no idea what was coming next. He went on to tell me that his kidneys are failing again and we’re not sure what’s going to happen next.
We sat against the car together for a good while hugging and crying. The whole time I was thinking “I’m too young to lose my daddy…” I told him that everything was going to be alright. It’s weird when your parent seeks you for comfort. So many times I have run to my dad and cried and let everything out to him and this time the tables were turned. I felt honored and scared and just so many different emotions all at once.
Tomorrow he’ll tell my mother. He told me first because he felt like I was the strongest of everyone in my house but I really don’t feel like I am. Maybe he’s right though. Or maybe I’m just better at hiding my emotions.
I have decided to volunteer to give him a kidney if they decide to give him a second kidney transplant. I just hope that I’m a match. I am praying for the best. I do not want to lose my dad any time soon. I have a younger brother and sister who still have yet to graduate. I just think that they deserve to have their dad at their graduations just like he was there for mine.
It’s late and I need to try and get some sleep… I just had to let this out somewhere since I have no one to talk to about this.
Good night, everyone.