True Heart Break.

I haven’t written anything in a while. I haven’t felt the need to vent on here anonymously… Until this moment.

Life has been confusing for me. I’m always uncertain of the decisions I’m making and I never know which path to take to help me get closer to happiness. I’ve been so selfish lately. Just doing anything I can to get out of my house just so I can be away from my family.

The boy that broke my heart a year ago returned to me in January and asked if we could give it another shot. I said yes. We’ve been together for almost three months. We’ve had good times and bad times but we’re making it work.

When I think about last year, when my heart was broken, I realize now that the pain I felt then… Was nothing. You see… Tonight my dad took me outside and said “I need to tell someone before I explode.” I couldn’t even begin to imagine what he was going to do next. He leaned up against the car and began crying. I’ve only seen my dad cry once. I began to tear up but I still had no idea what was coming next. He went on to tell me that his kidneys are failing again and we’re not sure what’s going to happen next.

We sat against the car together for a good while hugging and crying. The whole time I was thinking “I’m too young to lose my daddy…” I told him that everything was going to be alright. It’s weird when your parent seeks you for comfort. So many times I have run to my dad and cried and let everything out to him and this time the tables were turned. I felt honored and scared and just so many different emotions all at once.

Tomorrow he’ll tell my mother. He told me first because he felt like I was the strongest of everyone in my house but I really don’t feel like I am. Maybe he’s right though. Or maybe I’m just better at hiding my emotions.

I have decided to volunteer to give him a kidney if they decide to give him a second kidney transplant. I just hope that I’m a match. I am praying for the best. I do not want to lose my dad any time soon. I have a younger brother and sister who still have yet to graduate. I just think that they deserve to have their dad at their graduations just like he was there for mine.

It’s late and I need to try and get some sleep… I just had to let this out somewhere since I have no one to talk to about this.

Good night, everyone.

– Selena

Does it ever stop?

This lingering pain will be the death of me. It’s nighttime and I’m laying in bed with nothing but my thoughts to accompany me and they’re not pleasant at all.

I’m starting to think about him again. There have been a few boys that have come close to making me forget but none of them stay long enough to accomplish that for me. Thoughts and images of him fill my head and I just want it all to stop. The memory of our hideous ending keeps replaying and those awful words that were exchanged between us keep stabbing me right in my chest and I can’t help but think why?

Why did this happen to us? Why did we have to end? Why did he stop loving me? What did I do wrong?

It happened eight months ago and here I am feeling hurt just as if it took place only yesterday. This wound feels so fresh and every creeping memory just opens it up deeper and now it’s just pure agony.

It’s late and I have class tomorrow so sleep should be reaching me soon. I will try my best to push these tortuous thoughts aside for the time being. I have school to focus on.

Goodnight, friends.

This Thing Called – LIFE

I’ve been so overwhelmed with everything going on in my life. Work, college, family, friends, love interests… It’s insane. Sometimes I feel like I just need to go away for a weekend and tune everything out and forget that any of those things even exist.

But let’s be real now. I can’t just get up an leave. That’s what sucks about trying to attend to each of these equally. There isn’t enough time in my week to do so. I hate this feeling. I always feel so stressed out and tired. Is there a pause button anywhere? When do I get time to just breathe and catch up on some well deserved sleep?!

On top of all this, I’m left a little sad because the most amazing guy popped into my life and within the blink of an eye he’s almost gone. We’ve got so much in common and I haven’t found a single thing about him that I don’t like. He makes me laugh when we’re together and I’m forever smiling in his presence. Sadly, he has a lot going on his life and he felt that now was not a good time for him to be getting romantically involved with someone. I’ll start seeing him on a daily basis once he starts school in the spring. I’m hoping that he still holds on to the feelings he has for me because I know that I won’t be shaking loose the feelings I have for him any time soon. I don’t want to. I know that right now he is what I want. I will do my best to remain positive about this situation. It’s just a little bump in the road; or at least that’s what I keep telling myself. 

I’m currently doing Interpersonal Communications homework and eating Snickers ice cream but I just had to let all this out. It bothers me that I haven’t been able to keep up with this thing lately. It’s awful because writing is such a great outlet for me. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so crazy these past few days. I was just in need of a little venting. Hopefully, I will be able to write more tomorrow. 

Goodnight, friends!

It’s MY Life.

Pros of being 18 and living with your parents:

– Free food
– No bills (except a phone bill)
– Free housing
– Never being alone

Cons of being 18 and living with your parents:

– I don’t drive so they pretty much dictate what I can and can’t do
– If they don’t like someone they won’t let me hang out with or date them
– I live in THEIR house and must obey THEIR rules
– My mother hates everyone

So there you have it. I wanted to go on a date with the guy that I’m talking to and when I brought it up to my mom she said “NO.” She knows nothing about the date or anything and just said “NO.” I’m not very happy at the moment. That’s it. Time to start driving and get myself a car. Here goes nothing.

 

Life Update

I haven’t written anything in a while and it makes me feel a bit empty. I love to use writing as my outlet for everything and I feel like it’s about time for me to let everything out.

My life has consisted of work, sleep, food intake, preparing for college, family time, and meeting new people. Regardless of how boring that all sounds, I’ve definitely enjoyed these past few months. 

Working sucks, but going to work and being with my co-workers is great. I work at Walgreens and it isn’t a very big place. We all know each other and we’re all friends (or close acquaintances) and working together with each other is something we enjoy… Most of the time. My best friend works with me and I’ve made another close friend while working there. I can’t stand our customers but there are those that have a little space in my heart that I look forward to seeing each day. All in all, work is good and I don’t have a problem with it.

Something I look forward to the most when it comes to summer time is spending time with my family. Family is a big deal to me. My family is the coolest. We spend 50% of our time eating and the other 50% of our time just laughing together about who knows what. I’ve had a lot of great talks with my younger brother and that makes me feel real good about our relationship as siblings and I’ve spent countless nights laughing at stupid vines with my little sister. In a way, I feel that my relationship with my siblings, and even with my parents, wouldn’t be so great if my boyfriend of two and half years hadn’t broken up with me 5 months ago. I spent most of my time focusing on him than the people who ACTUALLY mattered in my life. I look back and think of how stupid I was for that. It’s over now and I’m trying my best to make up for lost time. Luckily, I have an amazing, loving family that holds nothing against me and leaves the past where it belongs. I love them.

College. Wow. I cannot believe that I’m already here at this point in my life. I’m not even sure that I’m ready for it. Maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I’m excited about this next step in my life. I’m so ready to start my classes because I get to take classes that I want to take. It’s going to be so fun learning about music production and meeting tons of new people in the process of it all. 

So many changes going on in my life but my heart stays the same. At least, I thought it did. I’ve been struggling for months to get *him* off of my mind and out of my heart. What a struggle it has been. We had both been struggling. We even decided to start dating again; that didn’t work. Now, we’re here at the end of July and I haven’t heard a word from him and I’m not really sure how I feel about that. I hope he’s doing well. As for me, I’m not hurting anymore. I can barely remember what that pain felt like. That’s good, right? Then, out of nowhere, I met someone. I met someone great. This someone really gets me and we clicked right from the start. Of course, this is only the beginning but I’ve fallen. He’s so handsome and sweet and he never fails to make me smile. I’m not sure how ready I am for this but I’m willing to try. He deserves a chance and I deserve a chance to feel happy with someone again.

These past few months have had their highs and lows and I’m so thankful that I’m still here. I made it. I’m glad that I never gave up even when I felt so hopeless. There is hope, guys. I promise there is. Take a look at my old posts. See and feel how broken I was. Here I am. I’m alive and I’m happy and I’m learning to love again. It’s possible. Our world’s aren’t ending, just changing a tiny bit. There’s a bigger picture than just you and I. Sometimes we just have to take a step back and change our perspective. It’s worth it. Give it a shot. 

Everything WILL be okay.

The Hardest Thing…

Here I am. Slowly breaking inside. Trying to ignore the this agonizing feeling in my chest.

I should let you all know that Kyle and I began talking again. We talked for about a week. He wanted to make things work with me and was willing to do anything to make sure that I would feel comfortable with him. He wanted to earn my trust back.

WOW! Isn’t this what I wanted? Isn’t this what I had been fighting for these past two months? Here it was! Right in front of me. Everything I had ever wanted was being handed to me on a silver platter and you better believe that I went for it without a second thought.

He asked me to be his girlfriend on Thursday May 16th. I said yes. I should have been back to normal. I should have been happier. I should have…

I didn’t feel like I was in love with him. Not anymore. I didn’t feel like I knew who he was. Our conversations were dry. I didn’t feel like he wanted me. I didn’t feel like we loved each other. Everything felt so… wrong.

I couldn’t stop crying and feeling so paranoid on Friday and Saturday. It was just awful. I didn’t understand why I was feeling any of that. Kyle was mine again. He was finally mine. But it just wasn’t the same. That’s what I never thought about.

The end of our relationship was ugly. So very bitter and full of pain. I don’t think that I have completely healed from that. But after going through that with him… Could we ever be the same? Could we ever be completely happy with each other? It’s possible, but not likely.

So that was it. Saturday night rolled around and I called him. I asked him about his day and tried to sounds as interested as I could. After he was done, it was time. I sighed a bit and tried to hold back my tears and I began to tell him that I could no longer continue to be with him and that it would be smart for us to stop talking after that phone call.

It was the hardest thing that I’ve had to do. I don’t know if I’ll ever get another chance to be with him. I don’t know if I will ever fully get over him. My first love. My first real everything. My world.

And still, I love him. And still, I long for him. Hoping to see his face, to hear his voice, feel his warmth, taste his lips…

Ky, I will always love you. Even if it’s not the same love that we once shared, I love you. I care for you so very much and I hope that one day, you will be happy. You will always have that one special place inside my heart. Good luck with whatever you do.

I love you.

Love,

Selena

Days Go By…

And I can feel myself getting a tiny bit stronger as each day goes by.

Today is the fourth day that we have gone without talking. Today is also the day that we would have been together for two years and seven months. 

I was fine yesterday and the day before. Then today I looked at the date and I died inside. If we were still together, we’d probably go out to eat tonight. We would have celebrated another month that we had made our relationship work. We were so silly. We would write really long texts or Facebook posts to each other talking about how excited we were that another month of our relationship had gone by. I look at all that now and wish that I could have that all back.

But that’s not the case. You’re not mine anymore. You probably saw the date and didn’t even think of the importance of it. I guess it’s not even considered to be important anymore. We’re nothing. Why should either of us care about today? It’s just Thursday.

I miss you, Ky. I miss your voice. I miss hearing about your boring days. Just wish that you were back here in my life. 

What’s done is done. If you wanted to be back with me, you would let me know. You would call me, or try and reach me in some kind of way and tell me that you wanted, more than anything, to make our relationship work. 

I’m accepting what is. That’s all I can do. I can’t change this. I would if I could. There’s nothing left for me to do but take each day at a time and focus on bettering myself and working towards my goals. 

I miss you, Ky and I hope that you’re doing well. Be safe and know that I love you.

 

Love,

Selena